Mending bridges, fixing or rebuilding or even just sometimes throwing a rope.
Being in tier 4 is absolutely rubbish. If it wasn’t Christmas I generally wouldn’t mind it to much except for the pub, not being able to go to the pub in the evening is annoying.
Anyway I’ve been thinking a lot about the bridges I have burned throughout my life and made sure to fix things with my dad. It all started when two of my friends lost their mums to cancer. How horrible would of been for them if them and their mums was not talking at the time. We have been talking again for just over a year.
There are a lot of small broken bridges that just need explaining as and when I see people. Things that often came down to a certain toxic friend I had when I was young and stupid.
That same toxic friend that I have cut from my life now. Also lost me my best friend.
From my best friends perspective and rightly so was the ultimate betrayal.
See when I was growing up I never new anything about race. Everyone was the same. Colour, religion or anything else just simply wasn’t a thing in my world. This was when I met this friend. He was an amazing person really I just didn’t know it. I took it for granted. We was pretty much inseparable. Joint at the hip.
Life was pulling us in different directions which is fine that happens we wouldn’t of lost touch and would of still talked a hell of a lot and in all honestly if it wasn’t for the next part would of been the best man at my wedding and god father to my boy.
But I met the toxic friend, he pulled me from the punk world I loved into another scene the skinhead scene. That alone would of not been too bad, there are factions if you like of non racist and racist skinheads.
It has a history of reggae inspirations but also a history related in the right wing in some elements.
The problem was however that the friends I had in this scene were of the right wing variety and me being young and having had some issues just wanted to be liked so I carried on with them instead of leaving to do my own thing.
I said what I said and I can only apologise for that but that is not enough.
The true fact is that the betrayal happened before all that. As soon as I became a skin. To my white friends that was probably fine. He’s a skin and I’ve listened to his views he’s not racist it’s fine. There is a deeper truth in that and that is I took part in a scene built on racism and hate in the first place, being non racist in that scene is possible as long as your willing to hurt your friends that will be affected by the racism that is in that scene.
We was awesome we would talk about all the business ideas we had and how we would change the world and to be honest I truly believe whatever we decided to do be it a t-shirt company or a whatever we would have made it. Maybe we will work together at some point you never know the way things could go at this point.
My good news is that he has agreed to meet with me. Although I do know I will never be forgiven and we will never be friends that is my burden to carry and my regret to have for the rest of my life. I want to talk him through the process of what happened just so he knows that there was never a moment where I was actually racist and that I’m not a bad person. I’m not after friendship although that would be awesome. I just want him to know that if he needs me I’m there ever.
My wife and kids would love him. It’s such a shame things have panned out this way.